


metamorphosis

by mariathepenguin



Category: Rookie Blue
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-07
Updated: 2014-09-07
Packaged: 2018-02-16 13:12:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2271003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariathepenguin/pseuds/mariathepenguin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gail Peck and the aftermath of Perik.</p>
            </blockquote>





	metamorphosis

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of feelings about Gail and how she might have dealt with Perik. There is discussion of PTSD and kidnapping within the fic. This is kind of AU because I’m ignoring the fight in 5x03, and the therapist in the webisode is Gail’s therapist throughout. There is some Gail/Holly but that’s not really the focus.

Gail fidgets in her chair and stares at the wall. She'd stare at a clock if she could, but there isn't one that she can see.

"Gail. Is there anything you feel like you want to share?" Her therapist’s name is Dr. Wyatt, a patient-looking blonde lady, and Gail doesn't trust her.

She shrugs and winces when a bruise on her upper back twinges, and she twists her hands together, tight. So tight that she can almost feel her heartbeat thud in her palms.

"Can you tell me what your mood is like today?"

Gail barks out a short, sharp laugh. She wants to say something sarcastic, something witty and sharp that will make her feel like she is somewhere other than a therapist's office, but she's too tired. It took all her energy just to get herself dressed and to her appointment on time.

“Better.”

She leaves the office when her appointment is over, and her dad is sitting in the car reading a newspaper, just like he’s done for all of them so far. When he sees her he hurries out to meet her.

“How’d it go?”

“Fine.”

“You sure?” He is peering at her face like he expects to see her burst into tears at any moment, which is ridiculous, of course, because she hasn’t cried in front of either of her parents since they picked her up from the hospital.

“Dad,” she mutters. His face falls, and he looks very old and sad, suddenly. She steps forward and throws her arms around him, and feels him freeze in shock. She’s made a point of avoiding physical contact since the kidnapping, and it takes him another couple of seconds to tentatively put his arms around her.  His sweater is soft, a fancy cashmere one that mom gave him a couple of years ago for Christmas. She presses her face to it, ignoring the warning throb from her still-bruised face.

“I’m sorry, dad,” she says. He hugs her tighter.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

“I should have…” she bites her lip, hard, and swallows against the coppery taste in her mouth.

“Don’t,” he says firmly. “There’s no point in thinking that way. What’s done is done.” He lets go of her and steps back, holding her lightly by the shoulders. “ Are you ready to go home?” She nods, and lets him walk her around to the passenger door.

**  
  
**

*

**  
  
**

She has a bottle of sleeping pills stashed in her bathroom, but she hasn’t taken any since the first night. They make her feel pinned down and sluggish, and the flashbacks aren’t worth the few hours of uninterrupted sleep.

So she doesn’t sleep really. She sits in the living room and watches nickelodeon on low volume. Her mother hasn’t said anything about it, which she takes to mean she must look a lot worse than she thinks.

**  
  
**

*

**  
  
**

“I don’t feel so anxious anymore,” Gail says.

“That’s great,” Dr. Wyatt says. “What do you think has changed?”

“Going back to work,” Gail says. “ Having something to focus on, I think.” The Gail who started these therapy sessions two months ago would never have talked to a therapist this easily, but Dr. Wyatt has a way of wearing Gail down without making her feel weak, and honestly, it’s not like she has that many people to talk to. “I can’t sit at home all day, doing nothing.” She hadn’t spent this much uninterrupted time at home since she was a teenager.

“We talked about this,” Dr. Wyatt says. “It’s great that you have something to distract you, but it’s just as important to work through your feelings. Have you been doing the things we talked about?”

“I don’t really have time,” Gail says. She fights the urge to wrap her arms around her knees and she spreads her hands across her thighs, instead. “I’m really busy, getting back to the swing of everything.”

“I would like you to make time,” Dr. Wyatt says. “Just a few minutes of the day. Write down how you feel. Practice those breathing exercises we talked about. Go for a walk and clear your head.” Gail tries to tamp down on a sudden bout of anger, and fails.

“I don’t have time, can’t you understand that? I have a life to live. I can’t keep dwelling like this. Why don’t you get that?” She is sitting up straight now, little sparks of pain on her thighs where her fingernails have dug in. Dr. Wyatt does nothing but watch her quietly.

“God, I’m sorry,” she mutters. “I can be a jerk sometimes.”

“It’s alright,” Dr. Wyatt says. “Will you say for the rest of your hour?”

“Yes,” she says, and she does her best to lean back and relax.

**  
  
**

*

**  
  
**

She has a panic attack her second week back.

Traci finds her hunched over in an interrogation room, clawing at the collar of her uniform and breath coming too hard and fast. She feels a warm hand slip into hers, and a hand rests on her back, gently at first then more firmly when she doesn’t squirm away.

“Just breathe, Gail,” Traci says. “You’re gonna be okay. Just breathe.”

She does the stupid breathing exercises, and listens to Traci’s voice, and after a while the world stops spinning and she can stand up straight again.  

She doesn’t raise her head. She doesn’t want to look at Traci, who is the one person on the planet she least deserves comfort from.

“Will you look at me?” Traci’s hand is still in hers, and she raises her head reluctantly.

“I’m okay,” she says, fully aware of how hollow that sounds. “I’m just…” She lets out a shaky breath.

“I know,” Traci says.

“We’re gonna be okay, right?” Her voice cracks on the last word and she raises her free hand to swipe at her eyes.

“I think so. I hope so.” Traci sounds tired, more tired than Gail feels. “I hope so.”

**  
  
**

*

**  
  
**

Nick leaves right after she finds out that Perik is the reason she’s not going to lose her job, and she spends fifteen minutes crying about that before she calls Dov and Chris to ask if they want to get drinks. It’s her own fault for trusting in someone who left her at the altar once already, and she doesn’t really have anyone to blame but herself.

The similarity of the voice in her head to her mother’s is something she plans to try to forget about with the help of multiple shots of tequila.

**  
  
**

*

**  
  
**

“”A chick just kissed me on the lips, and I’m pretty sure I’m not a lesbian.” Dr. Wyatt gives her that knowing half smile that she hates. “Don’t give me that look.”

**  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
**

Gail wants to sleep. Sleeping is the thing she wants to do more than anything in the world, but she can’t. Her body is still hyperalert, buzzing with adrenaline, and Oliver is in hospital, and Sam is only mostly alive. And she has no hair.

She wants to sleep, and Holly is wrapped around her back, an arm securely around her waist and Gail hasn’t been this comfortable in a very long time. Which makes it even more frustrating that she can’t close her eyes.

Ollie was locked in a trunk, just like she was. She wonders if he was as scared as she had been.

She’s never stayed over at Holly’s before, and now she wants to get out of bed and check the doors and windows, Holly’s not stupid but not everyone locks up like they should, and maybe she’d be able to relax if she just checked. She starts to slide underneath Holly’s arm, but she only tightens her hold.

“Are you okay?” Holly mumbles into the back of her neck. “Where are you going?”

Gail could say she was going to the bathroom, but she doesn’t want to lie to Holly. She doesn’t want to tell her the truth, but she doesn’t want to lie. So she settles back into Holly’s hold.

“I’m not going anywhere,” she says. She wriggles around until they are face to face. Holly’s eyes are still closed, but there is a small smile playing about the edges of her lips. Gail kisses her, gently.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Holly mumbles when Gail pulls back.

"Me too," she says, but Holly is already asleep.

**  
  
**

*

**  
  
**

"I messed my hair up," Gail says. "Really bad. But she fixed it for me." She runs a hand through her still-unfamiliar short hair.

"She sounds quite impressive," Dr. Wyatt says. Gail smiles.

**  
  
  
**

*

**  
  
**

Gail knows that Holly’s not stupid. Holly is the smartest person she knows. She notices things, which is why she’s so good at her job. She notices that Gail won’t take cabs after dark, and that she has nightmares that get more intense than usual.

But Holly doesn’t push, and Gail doesn’t volunteer any information because dating Holly is going better than she could ever have imagined, and she doesn’t want to make everything all dark and depressing just yet.

Still, Holly is the person she tells things to, she has been for the whole time she’s known her.

**  
  
**

*

“I have something to tell you,” she mutters into Holly’s shoulder. Holly tries to put the plate she’s washing down and turn around, but Gail holds her still. “No, don’t turn around.”

“Gail,” Holly is half laughing, trying to twist and see her face, “what-”

“I was kidnapped. About a year and a half ago. This undercover operation went wrong and a psycho ex doctor cabbie followed me to where I was staying and tied me up in his basement.” She’s slightly dizzy, her cliff notes version not really brief enough to stop the lightheadedness. Holly keeps completely still under her hands. “He killed the only person who figured out where I was when he came to save me. He still saved me, though. They found me because of him. Jerry.”

And there it is, the worst time of her life neatly summarised in one minute.

“He was Traci’s fiance,” she adds.

“Gail,” Holly breathes out.

“I know you’ve been wondering why I‘m so weird sometimes,” she mumbles. “And I wanted you to know, because…” she shrugs, hoping that Holly knows what she means.

Holly twists in her arms until she is facing Gail, and she cautiously slides her arms around her waist. Gail focuses on a patch of skin just above Holly’s collarbone, and refuses to look up, even when she can feel Holly’s gaze boring into her.

“I’m going to hug you now,” Holly says. Gail gives a faint nod, and Holly’s hold on her tightens until her face is buried in Holly’s neck, her view blocked by Holly’s hair and the smell of Holly’s shampoo filling her nose.

Holly holds her tight, and they stand there for a period of time that could be anywhere for a minute to an hour. Gail breathes out and it feels like she’s been holding a breath for a year.

“I don’t know what to say,” Holly whispers.

“You don’t have to say anything,” Gail says. “This is good.”

**  
  
**

*

**  
  
**

“I think I should stop seeing you,” Gail says. They’ve spent half an hour talking about her job and her life and her family and she wants to say it before they get too close to the end. Dr. Wyatt stops writing.

“I can’t say I’m surprised,” she says. “I haven’t seen much of you in the past year or so. What makes you feel like you’re ready to stop regular therapy?” Gail shrugs.

“I just feel like it’s time, you know? Perik was two years ago. I think… I think I’m better, than I was. I definitely feel better than I was,” she trails off and shoots a questioning glance at Dr. Wyatt.

“I would agree,” she says.

“You helped me, a lot,” Gail says. “I wanna make sure you know that. But I can help me more, now, I think. It’s almost like I’m a real adult, coping with my issues and everything,” she half jokes.

“I do agree that you’re in a much better place than you were in when you first started seeing me, and I would be comfortable with stopping regular sessions. But please feel free to schedule another session if you feel like you need it.”

“Yeah, I will,” Gail says, and she means it, which, would the Gail of two years ago even recognise her now?

**  
  
**

*

**  
  
**

Holly is waiting for her when she comes out, leaning against her car and looking unbelievably sexy with her glasses pushed to the top of her head.

“Well, it’s done,” she says as soon as she’s close enough. “I’ve broken up with my therapist.”

“I’m sure she won’t have a problem seeing other people,” Holly smirks. She drops a kiss onto the end of Gail’s nose and reaches for her hand. “So where do you want to go?”

“I want food,” Gail says.

“You always want food,” Holly says. She lets go of Gail’s hand and nudges her towards the passenger door. “Be more specific.”

“Chinese,” Gail says. “And ice cream. I want chinese food and ice cream.”

Holly shoots her that dorky smile over the top of the car.

“That can be arranged.”

**  
  
**


End file.
